Why oh why, can’t I have an endless supply of money? Why does it have to be a driving force behind my happiness? Ah, that’s right. I have four kids, that’s why. It is finally quiet in this house, and I have washed every single pair of underwear that I can get my hands on for my youngest. As I previously mentioned, we have been wrangling the potty, and for the most part, we’re winning.
Motherhood aside, I couldn’t put my finger on what’s been bothering me the past few days. Today, I figured it had to be the weather (rainy and gloomy), but I realized that wasn’t it. I started doing some moral exercises that ended with me on a soul-searching journey while scribbling in my journal and wiping away tears. I’d be lying if I didn’t confess to having been depressed the last 8 months or so. When my husband and I were both laid off a couple years back, we had some serious decisions to make. I re-entered the workforce by necessity (he has always been a part of it, where I might have been considered the Glorified Janitor Stay-at-home-Mom that pays in gray hair). It is an inescapable fact that it is going to cost me a significant amount of money just to work, because I’ll need someone to care for my kids while the hubbie and I are both working. This immediately increases my gross income requirements by at least 10k annually. Then there’s the fact that I drive a gas-guzzling, economical nightmare of a vehicle (how else do I transport 6 people and two dogs?) and that this vehicle is not the picture of cost effectiveness… so you have to add mileage and gas to this expense. I was fortunate enough to have been picked up by an old employer, but when the honeymoon was over, I was quickly reminded of why I didn’t stay very long the first time. I landed in a place that was pretty unstable, and within a few months the operation was held together with scotch tape and collapsing on us. This is what the professional market had to offer me at the time… and it was either that, or sales. And I’m too old for sales. I simply do not have the where-with-all to put on a happy face for people who want nothing to do with me. I lack the capacity to coddle anyone, ask my kids and my friends (of which most are online), they’ll tell you. I am also far too anti-social and paranoid (all writers are you know) for this kind of position, so I settled for much, much less.
That’s right… I worked part-time for very little money, on the two days during the week that my husband was off which eventually turned into staying home full-time with the kids again. The writing has helped me cope with the loneliness and has been a therapeutic outlet, and I plan to keep it up regardless, but the lack of excess money is really beginning to wear on me. I decided to see if the professional market was stabilizing to the degree that I might be able to land a decent job, so I sent my resume out. The last time I did that, the best offer I received was mortgage loan origination (sales)… and that is something I simply don’t have the gusto to do, but this time, the calls are better. I’m kind of sad to think about my kids in day care again, and coupled with the rain, it’s just making me feel bad in general. And for full disclosure, I’ve also just come out of internet hiding (something I do at least once a year) and engaged with some old friends that I haven’t emailed or corresponded with in way too long. I think part of me feels bad for disappearing (though I’m sure they aren’t surprised).
It’s not a total loss though and I’m putting the emotion to use. I’ve been able to establish some credibility on my examiner column (please head over there and sign up for an email alert for when I publish new articles) and will probably continue to write there indefinitely since it’s really, really easy for me to do. This material is second nature to me, and far easier to create than developing captivating dialogue between two characters or arguing with reductionist scientists (something I really need to stop doing).
I have a job interview Monday and I have mixed feelings about it. I suppose I’ll know shortly afterwards if life at my house is about to drastically change.
jb hill 